Why Regulation Must Come First

Before skills, before progress, before goals—there must be safety.

So many of the families I support are doing everything right—and still feel like something isn’t working. Skills don’t stick. Meltdowns happen at home. Progress feels inconsistent or unsustainable. This article offers a different lens—one that centers the nervous system, regulation, and the sequence that so often gets missed. It’s not about doing less. It’s about understanding what truly makes healing possible.

A Pattern I See Every Day

Your child is in therapy. You’re doing all the right things.But something still isn’t working.

Maybe they say the word in session—but can’t find it at home.

Maybe they hold it together at school—but unravel the second you pick them up.

Maybe they’ve made progress—but it never really lasts.

It’s easy to assume the answer is more: more therapy, more structure, more effort.

But what if the answer isn’t more?

What if the answer is before?

The Role of Regulation

Regulation isn’t just calming down.

It’s the nervous system’s ability to stay present, recover from stress, and build new patterns safely.

When a child is regulated, they can:

• Engage with others

• Absorb and apply new learning

• Coordinate movement and speech

• Explore without panic

• Express needs—rather than just reacting to them

Without regulation, a child may comply—but the change won’t stick.

Because underneath the task, the nervous system is still bracing.

When It Looks Like Forgetting

One of the most misunderstood signs of dysregulation is when a child learns a skill… and then “forgets” it.

They write the letter in OT.

They say the word in speech.

They take a bite in feeding therapy.

But the next day, it’s gone.

Parents start to wonder if something is wrong.

Professionals may push harder.

The child may get labeled.

But what I often see is this:

The child was performing—but not integrating. The system did the task under pressure, but couldn’t hold onto it. Because it never felt safe.

This isn’t failure. It’s feedback.

And it’s asking us to slow down and look underneath.

Why Home Becomes the Place They Fall Apart

Many children hold it together in structured settings—then unravel at home.

This isn’t a sign of manipulation.

It’s a sign of trust.

It’s the only place their nervous system can finally let go.

That’s when everything becomes a fight.

Screens become lifelines.Meltdowns come fast and often.

Nothing feels easy.

And parents—understandably—try to do more to help.

But here’s the truth:

More doing is often not the answer. What these kids need is nervous system space. Time. Gentleness. A break from input and expectation.

What Regulation Looks Like at Home

At home, I often encourage families to:

• Minimize unnecessary boundaries when possible

• Offer structured choices instead of firm demands

• Pay attention to what the child instinctively reaches for—and ask:

  What does this help regulate?

Often, I see children:

• Snacking to release jaw tension

• Taking long showers or baths to shift states

• Zoning out with screens or repetition to create predictability

• Needing space, silence, and a slower pace

These aren’t avoidance behaviors.

They’re survival strategies.

And they tell us something important: the body is trying to come home.

Eye Contact and Speech Are Signs—Not Goals

Social interaction isn’t something I force.

It’s something I witness.

In my work, we often begin in silence.

I wait to be allowed into their space.

Sometimes that’s the most important milestone—just being allowed to be there.

I don’t prompt speech. I don’t chase eye contact.

Because when the system is ready, those things emerge naturally.

Speech isn’t a performance. It’s a signal. Of readiness. Of safety. Of relational return.

Final Words

This isn’t about doing less.

It’s about doing what holds.

What lands. What lasts.

When we start from regulation, we stop asking children to perform before they feel safe.

And we give their bodies the chance to trust—maybe for the first time.